An extract of the below appeared in the Evening Standard, here, on June 30, 2016.
Dear England, Australia here.
We hear you are in a spot of bother with this Brexit thing. The Kiwis tell us you are having a bit of a spat with the Germans and French about immigration, while Scotland is trying to keep Mel Gibson happy with another shot at Braveheart.
You’ve always been there to help us, well, if you ignore Gallipoli and Singapore, so we are here to help you now. We even have a name for our solution. We call it ‘Cobber Together’.
It goes like this. You want to leave the EU and Scotland wants to leave you. If you are not careful you’ll be left on your lonesome with no mates. But because we like you, and Lizzie rules over us both, why not join us as the Seventh State?
We could call the combined entity the Union of Australia, but we understand you don’t like the ‘U’ word just now, so lets just stick with the name ‘Australia’ shall we?
Now before you dismiss this, think of the benefits!
You can claim Kylie as your own. You still keep Jason Donavan as a bonus. We get Eddie Jones back and can claim primacy in rugby again. We could play in both the six nations and the four nations. We could buy Iceland together and then get a good football team. Australia could even stay in Eurovision!
Think of all the gold we can pinch from Africa at the Commonwealth Games. It would kind of be like the good old days of Empire really!
You’ve got to get rid of Rolph Harris before you come though. I know he was born here, but you made him and we don’t want him back. Give him to Austria before you leave the EU will you? Then again we like Austria. Give them another ‘a’ and an ‘l’ then they are us anyway.
You’d have to change the flag. The Union Jack is dead anyway so we’ll just cut that off the corner of ours and we can both use the remainder. You’ll like the Southern Cross. And your money. What is with spending £50 million on plastic money? You’ve just copied it from us and we already put Lizzie on it.
And while we are on the Monarchy, the Queen loves Balmoral, so she can rule in Scotland. We can give Wales to New Zealand, so they take Charles the Prince of Wales. And you know how uppity we Aussies are about having an ‘Australian Head of State’, so we can just bring in Denmark and make Mary the Queen of us all. She’s from Tassie after all.
And speaking of Tassie, the cold bit of our country has good relationships with Finland, who’s Fixit campaign is gathering more steam than an Iceland geyser, so they can join too. After all their airline is pretty good and their saunas are great.
Mind you the temperature and humidity in a sauna we call ‘Summer’. It is a novel concept that we will teach you about when you come.
While we are recolonizing Europe, let’s also take Greece and make them a suburb of Melbourne, after all it is already the third largest Greek city in the world. Why not claim it all? I like Reunion Island so we kind of have to take France. Holland has nice flowers so they can come too, and Belgium does good beer, so….
I know you are sensitive about bringing in all these people. You like our Points System in immigration so trust us. Although I better tell you a little secret. You know our points system that you want to use to reduce migration? Sorry to tell you but it lets in twice as many people as your EU system. Oops!
While talking about migration, that dastardly little man Farage won’t really fit in so can’t you send him to Germany before you leave the EU? His wife is from their so he should fit right in. They put people like that in little bunkers. Oh wait, let’s not go there.
But while we are talking about people not fitting in, probably best to use your special relationship with our American friends to take back Boris before you come. I know he says he’ll give up his US passport, but he’s been saying that for a decade. Bless the poor chap, I know the administrative burden to renounce the US citizenship – two bits of paper and a meeting at the embassy – is a bit hard for him actually.
A little piece of advice on PMs. We churn through a few so we get to see some good and some bad. But if it takes him 10 years to undertake the bureaucratic burden of cancelling a passport, he’s probably not up to the task of being a PM – just a hint from us as mates. OK?
Anyway, so our solution to Brexit is to ‘Cobber Together’ a few countries. It’d be fun. But we sometimes get a bit shy. In the long term we’ll want to leave the party. Don’t be scared. You won’t be alone. We’ll leave you with the others. It’ll be better that way. You can form your own club. A union if you like. And its in Europe.